Mad wondering
by midnight black light
Summary: Ziva's mind wonders as she sits in the cell. About Ari, Gibbs and her father


Mad wondering. 

Gibbs

I have lied once again though this time not deliberately, being taken alive was something I had never planned on allowing to happen but it has and when I am not unconscious it gives me time to think. So if my thoughts make no sense then the reason is probably the lack of water, food and the whacks to my head. My thoughts stray to the conversation you had with Ari before the bullet killed him.

_Ari – Not you, my father you have the misfortune of reminding me of the bastard. _

From a distance Ari was right you and my father seemed similar, you both having excelled in your chosen field, both having seen the hardships in life but never showing emotion. However the closer I got the less Ari was right, yes you excelled but you never squashed those in your way, my father killed, threatened and then squashed the competition. The hardships made you pull life closer, my father pushed life away living only for work, fearing the pain. Emotions, I fear my father has long lost any emotion he once had. You protect your emotions only showing them to people you trust, showing them (me) that you care. Another difference my father cares for little and defiantly not his children.

_L J Gibbs – he didn't marry your mother hum?_

_Ari – that's what makes me a bastard not him. From the moment of my birth he groomed me to be one thing his mole in hamas, sent me to Edinburgh to become a doctor so I could work in the Gaza camps with my mother. _

In this Ari was certain and he was right to be. Although I could not see it then my father groomed all his children to be one thing or another. For Ari my father taught him how to lie, fight and to never have emotions as well as killing Ari's mother to place a fire in Ari a fire for revenge. The trouble with fire is that when you get close enough you get burned. For sweet Tali, the best of us, so ufll of life and love that everybody adored her, that the only job my father could groom her was to give him an heir (it was likely Ari would for his job ) so he taught her to dance, cook and sing, he let her spend time with our mother, she was to become a lady ready to marry and have children. Me, I had neither Ari's ability tor Tali's fun loving attitude, I became the fallback yes? I was taught to fight lie dance cook and sing but unlike Ari I had to have my emotions in case I had to take over from Tali. That was my fathers mistake leaving me with emotions lead me to trust and care for the team and lose respect for him. 

_Ari – when he had her killed I had no trouble getting revenge._

_L J Gibbs – You don't really believe your father had your mother killed_?

When I was young I idolised my father who could do no wrong in my eyes, Ari had tried to warn me, he had always seen what I had been blind to. Now I see my father would do anything to get his goal. Perhaps that is why I'm here in a cell not with you in America or was that my choice with my father it is hard to tell who is pulling the strings in the end.

_Ari – it was a retaliatory Israeli strike on the day I was in Tel Aviv visiting him. After decades of planning he had his mole in hamas. He never knew how much I hated him; I wish I could see his face when he realises he created not a mole but a monster, eager to strike at the heart of Mossad and Israel. _

I knew how much Ari hated our father but I had past it off as the fact that our father had never married his m other for he adored her. This hatred of our father turned my caring brother into as he said himself a monster than now haunts my nightmares. But I'm selfishly glad if Ari had not become the monster you know then I would never have you; I might then have became the monster I still dread I could turn into.

_L J Gibbs – yeah I almost feel sorry for you _

_Ari – and I you. When Ziva told me you were placing flowers on the roof where Catlin died I could not believe it such a romantic touch almost too good to past up. Almost. _

_L J Gibbs – why did you? _

_Ari – I need you to commit suicide with your own rifle. You never did give me enough credit in our game. I knew it was a trap before Ziva told me you'd asked her to cover you. You'd never trust Ziva _

I wondered for years about why you had trusted me even after I had shoot Ari many would still not have trusted me. I came to the conclusion that you could see that I only wanted to do the right thing but now I wonder once again was I worth the trust you gave me I seem able to break it so easily. I have hurt you I can see that now sitting in an empty concrete room gives you time to think. Maybe if I am lucky you will still trust me and save me or is that too much to ask after everything.

_Ari - and you need to kill me to taste the sweetness of revenge. _

_L J Gibbs – I've killed enough men in my life Ari, it's going to be just sweet watching you die._

_Ari – sorry to spoil your (gun shot) _

The line Ari meant as your death sentence comes to me now I am sorry to have spoiled so many things. I hope you will not hold things against me, if you think anything perhaps you will have just forgotten me and will never find out what happened to me which is quite possible Africa is a big place people can get lost in it. But don't hate me we've seen how hate can change caring men.


End file.
